I've migrated to wordpress: 

all the goodness that was on this site and more are at

madcapchronicles.wordpress.com

See you there!

I realize now, that I am on a journey. Smack dab in the middle of one-- at that point where one is at its weariest, feeling the most down-trodden, feeling the most challenged, feeling like I want to give up any moment now.

I'm at that point where I've forgotten why I set foot on the road in the first place. Because right now, the abstract things like love, hope, living a full life, passion, etc... all the things you find in a Sark book they can't hold a candle to just feeling... okay. 

Maybe not so much okay. Maybe the word I'm looking for is... comfortable. Is it so bad-- that some days I want to just stay in bed all day? Is it so bad that I want my life to stop feeling like I'm living on the edge of a precipice mere inches away? Is it so bad that I want to stop and rewind and never made the choices I made?

But sometimes the only choice you can make is to continue onward. 

The sun sets over another year. I am spending New Year's Eve in a bohemian cafe listening to reggae, and re-vamping my blog (which I have ignored for most of this year.) In LA, the trees are only now beginning to change color. I find fallen Japanese Maple leaves mimicing sunsets on cracked sidewalks.

It is chilly in LA-- not freezing like New York would be, but still surprisingly cold, especially when I have to run to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I have spent most of my Christmas break either in bed catching up on lazy reading or rewatching the trials and tribulations of Meredith Grey. It is a welcome respite from the stress of grad school.

2009 stretches ahead of me, merely five hours away, and unlike many years that have gone by, there is no expectation of the new, of the overnight cure, no grand plans. 2008 was filled with so much unknowable, unbearable things-- and perhaps the inside of me understands this, and holds still in stasis, knowing that the most important thing is the healing.

I have walked into many darknesses, come face to face with my own fear, my anger, my sadness. I sound melodramatic yes? But it is true. It is the truest thing about this damn year. There have been many people along the way who have stood by me, who have suspended judgment and instead extended a hand out of pure compassion and kindness. They know who they are, and to them I will be forever grateful and loyal.

All I can say for 2008 is this: I am still here. Despite everything, I am still here. And the learning continues.

Happy New Year everyone, thanks for still reading.

An elder cherokee was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."

The children thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old cherokee simply replied,"The one you feed."
                                                                                * * * 

It is not a surrendering of self. But rather, a time when you scramble a bit to find your footing, and then stand in your own power and look the Vast Beast in the eye and say, “I choose this.” I choose this thing that can both protect me and tear me apart; that can and will bring me my most enthralling joys and my most excruciating and unanticipated pain. I choose the risk. I choose the possibility of endings. I chose to be as simpatico as old souls and to be equally, heartrendingly misunderstood. I choose to be at intervals rashly taken advantage of and unexpectedly worshipped. I choose this terror and this beauty. I choose love.
–Rachelle Mee Chapman